Monday, 19 August 2013

Things That Go Bump All Through the Night.

bump


So last night I was lying in bed and all of a sudden the night air was shattered with what sounded like a bird flapping around desperately, calling out strange, strangulated calls. It continued for some time and as I was completely unable to sleep and really annoyed, I went to get my hubby to go and check on what I determined must be an injured bird or one being attacked by a cat or something.


Ok, to be honest, I also thought about Alfred Hitchcock and the movie, "The Birds" and considered that perhaps we were all going to die.


Even more reason to go and get hubby and have him check it out.


I opened the door, turned on the outside light, pushed him out the door in the general direction of the sound, closed the door, and went to watch from the safety of a window. I am not sure why we hold the curtains across our face like there is some kind of protective magnetic shield there. Actually, let's face it, even glass is not going to stop Zombies if they wanna eat your brains out or something. We might as well just all surrender to the monsters under our bed because we are never going to win against them. I don't care how strong your night light is.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Bra Wars - I Survived.

bra wars


My grandmother told me that you should always do your bra up in the back. It was one of the few things concerning my impending puberty that she handled personally and did not pass off to the maid or the good will of the fairies to explain. I forget the whole reasoning behind it, just that it was realllly important. I am sure it had a poem or a rhyme to go with it, but the gist was that if you took the shortcut and did your bra up in the front and then slid it around and slipped your arms in ... you would end up deformed or something. Oh .. AND ... you were a lazy, improper young woman.


So instead of doing it the easy way you had to become like a contortionist and dislocate your arms so that they bent in a completely unnatural way and then force them AND your legs behind you so that you are in position to try and get eeeny teeeny little hooks into eeenier and teeenier little latches.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

A Threesome?? It Must be Spring!

Most of you know my hubby is like Snow White without the dress or the dwarves ... or a prince charming ... or a wicked step mother ... or an apple .... ya .. except for those things he is EXACTLY like Snow White from the Disney Movie! You know how she wanders through the woodlands with all the little birdies hovering around her and the creatures following her? Wait .. maybe that was Cinderella ... or Sleeping Beauty??? I am pretty sure it is NOT the little Mermaid because that would be silly to think of little birds in the ocean .. they would be bobbing not flying because birds bob when they are dead in the water. They can't swim. Don't ask me how I know that.

Monday, 5 August 2013

Ho Ho Hum.

Merry Christmas in July


I went to a Christmas in July dinner.

They invited a bush poet .

I have to say part of my discomfort with it all may have been because I was in my camping gear, with my mosquito net and fly deflecting cork bobbers all in place, prepared for the bush and all it could throw at me while everyone else was in nice dinner gear.


Yes, you can make a fascinator out of that stuff.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Thanks For All Your Cards and Letters.




My intent was I would see my guests off, take a week to slowly get back into my routine and by the 10th be up and writing like a pro again ... Hahahahahahha.

That snorking clapping sound you hear is the sound of angels killing themselves laughing so hard they can only clap like seals and make weird little sounds as they point at me.


No I don't think that is what Jesus would do.


Evidently really sick people can be hilarious. Especially ones that are drugged up, with kleenex stuffed up their nose, and tied up in sheets that are stuck to their skin with sweat but they are too weak to either fight their way free or to cry for help.


I wanted my mommy. I would've settled for anyone's mommy.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Sunday At The Duck Ponds.

Sunday Afternoon


So Aussies are big on duck pond type parks.


Basically, you throw on some picnic sites and some fields for soccer etc, some trees, some parking and voila ... a Sunday Afternoon setting is created! Add some beer ... and the fun begins. Many a great party is held here.
Of course, should you be unable to get to the duck pond park which is in every suburb, you just throw some plastic yellow ducks in the kiddies pool, or the sink where the beer bottles are on ice, or someone can have a duck hand puppet. The important part here is the intention, the beer, the sausages, and the family.
And the beer.
Families have always been able to fight without a park or ducks. Children can be out of control anywhere. Please do not let the absence of anything stop your Sunday Afternoon. I am just going to share mine.

Friday, 31 May 2013

Eat Your Cake!

eat your cake


What is with that saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too?" My grandmother used to say that to me all the time.

It was always applied to situations like my brother and I fighting over something, usually something that was mine that he had claimed as his, like my new high heels, and me insisting he give them back to me. Grandma would hear him and threaten us, count, and even slam her book down but it always took her putting her referee underwear on and stepping into the ring and wrestling the high heels off my brother and handing them back to me and telling me to go put them up in my room somewhere they don't tempt him because of course he said he "found" them lying around somewhere and thought they were random high heels that anyone could use. This made sense because every home has random high heels for everyone to use and share and damn me for leaving them lying side by side next to my other shoes on the shoe rack in my closet ... how could I be so irresponsible? Let me wrap them in an old nighty and hide them in a sanitary napkin box in the back of snowmobile gear that doesn't fit anyone anymore to remove all confusion.


Then she would pat pat pat him and try to coax him out from underneath the couch with some ice cream while she rolled her eyes at me. Eye rolling was code for you need to phone the adoption agency and see if they have a bed for you yet ... if not ... go count cows or something.