Monday, 6 May 2013
(revised and lengthened)
I always feel guilty on Mother's day. I wish I could be more like the Mom's who march right up to sit in the VIP seats and accept their awards and accolades but ya ...no ... not me ....
I usually am at the back, on my hands and knees trying to crawl out of the place to get into the get away car ... that is in the car lot with the motor running and being driven by a really butch feminist who hates mothers everywhere. She showed me once where she buried her own mother after she found out she actually worked for Avon.
I have a hard time listening to all the people giving award winning glowing reports about their moms and the sacrfices they made for them and all the swell things they did. I sit there and remember those nights I went through my kids Halloween Candy sacks and ate most of the good stuff and told them they must have eaten it and not remembered, sugar does that to the mind, puts you in a stupor and you have no idea what you are doing. They believed me. Well two of them did. The other beat up his little brother for it.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
After a very long and boring morning of being a child and trying to come up with something fun to play on a Sunday afternoon with our loser city cousins who were visiting .... Once again ... My brother and I took our whining to the Aardvark and Humpydora complaining that we wanted to poke our eyes out with sharp sticks and please please please release us from our unpaid, unappreciated duties. We did not give birth to all those children, we did not make them the whiney babies that they were, and why oh why did their coming to visit always mean that we have to sacrifice our lives, our sanity??
That got us "here, go over into the garden, move the chairs around, use the fireplace for the pulpit and play church. " Play church??? Ya ... The next generation would get PacMan ... We got "play church." Have you heard the phrase "I'm sorry I asked?" THIS was when it was invented. And it wasn't like we could say, "That's ok, we will go find something else to do like pretend the cousins are cattle that have to be branded." There was no negotiating. Humpydora was already rearranging the chairs for us, handing someone a branch to "lead the choir" and pointing out the old bits of wood from the new chicken house could be hymnals. We weren't even allowed to roll our eyes without that cautioning finger appearing and being told "Shh, this is church remember? If you are going to play, everyone has to sit down nicely and sing some songs."
Friday, 5 April 2013
I guess this dress flies in the face of all those parents that told their kids not to be "cheeky." It is probably the closest to getting mooned you can go without stepping over the line ... except I am not sure that anyone even cares about lines these days ... we just sort of wander around aimlessly doing stuff that makes people in old folk homes climb on top of their walkers and jump. Although, I suppose you could make a good argument that at least when you ask someone if this dress makes your ass look fat, they can really address the issue at hand ... the cheekies ...
In university we used to be quite proud of our cheekies. We liked to share them ... a lot .. mooning everyone...and people would always roll their eyes and say .. "I can't believe you kids, why would you do something so stupid and risk ruining your lives like that?" Well at least that is what Aardvark and Humpydora - the grandparents - had to say about the whole ordeal ...on the way to and from the courthouse ....the first 8 times....
Friday, 22 March 2013
The only problem about jumping in the pool for quick swims during the day is the part where you have to get back into the house, get dressed again, and do it quickly before someone comes to the door.
There is the part about drying and redrying your feet and making sure all the water is out of your bathing suit as any water on tile floor leads to broken bits of toes dangling from your foot. I would get naked and just hang the bathing suit up outside but I decided that I am going to start charging our perving neighbours for each view and until they pay their already ginormous bill ... I aint budging ..
But then you get into the bathroom and get the bathing suit off and towel off twice. But in never fails, you go to put your top back on and it has latex in it and the next thing you know you are all balled up with your arm up pressed against your nose in an unnatural angle, one breast has been moved over under one armpit and the other is being rolled out towards your belly button and is turning blue and you can't breathe, the shirt won't budge, and you start to panic.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Take a good look at your Auntie Anastasia's face. Does she look happy? No she does not.
This is what she looked like going to school when she stayed up late watching TV even though she had to get up the next morning for school. Her mommy said, "You'll be sorry in the morning." Her mommy said, "One day you will wish you could go to bed early and get a good night's sleep."
Her mommy was teaching her a lesson.
This is a picture of her being sorry in the morning. See the big bags under her eyes. Can you say "not very attractive?"
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Dear Facebook Users;
I know the world is turning into a scary scary place and you feel alone and unloved right now. It is true that you are no longer able to add people to your pages and your groups willy nilly. In Groups, you have to know their email addys and let's face it, if your own mother won't give you hers, what are the chances that the 4999 other friends on your account - people you do not know from Adam - would give you theirs? (well except maybe for HotStuff Lisa who gives her addy to everyone)
And now FB has admitted that with your page requests you are sending out to friends ... well they "have a little glitch" and can't really guarantee that those go ... anywhere. When do they think they might be able to fix it? Ummmmm ... ummmmmmmmmmmm .... (insert crickets chirping here) ... you do understand how busy they have been right? It takes time to post all those ads on everyone's timeline about how to enlarge your penis and to let you know that Lady Gaga lost 3 lbs and you can too if you just give Pedro your online banking details.
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
I have always thought that real life should be more like the movies and particularly all those shows where people are just doing normal things and suddenly they break into song and it is a dance number ...
I know I personally always wanted to recreate the whole Fame thing .. you know with kids walking down the street ... feeling the vibe .... Then one starts.... and the next thing you know .. everyone is dancing and singing in 8 part harmony. All the instruments appear out of back packs ... including the grand piano .... and a bus pulls up and brings more people and suddenly everyone is dancing in perfect sync ... like wow ....
And then one day I thought, I can do this. You have to remember this was at about the same time that Coke was teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony and I believed I could fly still ...